Greetings from Breaking Point
What to do when you get here
Hello dear reader. This is more of a diary entry, or an update on where I’m at, than a fully formed think piece. It will ramble, it will roam. To be honest, I don’t have the brain cells at the moment to write something cohesive with a beginning, middle and end - all I can feel is the intense pain in my back and leg. I can’t sit on a chair, I can only be walking or lying down (I’m lying down now with the laptop propped up by pillows). I’m in hospital tomorrow for more injections so I’m praying that will give me some relief; a window of opportunity where I can then do the work to get stronger and stay that way. The back pain is compounded by where I’m at emotionally, or perhaps it’s the other way around. I don’t think I’m at breaking point, I think I possibly have already broken. I’ve alluded to this on Instagram (however I am reluctant to go into detail there where it just doesn’t feel safe) but it’s been really relentlessly hard with my son and I’m worn down, worn out, and feeling joy so rarely. My friend said to me yesterday ‘Caroline, I don’t think you realise just how depressed you’ve been this past year’. The reassuring thing for me is that I know it’s not pathological in the sense that I haven’t just become an unhappy person for no reason. It is not a me issue. I really am a happy, easy-going person (I SWEAR), but my current circumstances, which have been at play for quite a while, have brought me here. It’s a circumstance issue, and one that I’m really trying my hardest to not just work on but allow for.