The ins and outs of an open relationship

My most curious questions answered

I have always been curious about open relationships. I’m not sure I fully believe in monogamy or that it’s in our nature to live a monogamous life.

That being said, I am in a monogamous marriage. I will be writing a post in the near future about conversations I’ve had in my marriage that, while unnerving for some people, I think are really healthy to have (not to mention the fact that such chats help you see your other half as something more than part of the furniture, which can easily happen, especially when kids join the picture). But for this post, I have someone else in the hot seat. One of my best friends is a gay man, living with his boyfriend. They bought a house together, they’re committed to each other for the long term and they practice an open relationship. Everytime we are together I ask him about it; the level of emotional intelligence, the security and the lack of ego required for it to work is fascinating to me. Here, he shares how it works, how it was broached, why such an arrangement is received by others with a lot of judgement and how, for them, it enhances their relationship. To keep his story anonymous, I’m going to call him Steve.

Caroline: Hey Steve. So is this your first open relationship?

Steve: Yes

Caroline: How and when was it broached that you would give this a go?

Steve: It was actually pretty early on in the "getting to know you" part of the relationship, it came up as part of a conversation about monogamy/non-monogamy in queer couples in general and then what our thoughts and feelings would be about that for us. I think having it that early and being honest brought us closer before we were "official", mostly because we were pretty much on the same page about it. No concrete decisions were made then and there but it was the first of many conversations that became easier because we didn't make it taboo. 

Caroline: How did you both feel about the suggestion?

Steve: I think because it was a topic that both of us had considered before, and probably because the relationship was still quite new, we felt at ease talking about it. It also probably helped that we talked about it in the abstract for queer people first, and then talked about how we'd feel, or how we thought we would feel, about it for us. That's an important distinction because how you think you'll feel and how you actually feel when it's happening can be very different. It also helped that non-monogamy is common in queer relationships. 

In the moment though, and a few times since, there were flares of "I'm not enough for you" which I think is understandable and a very human reaction to the topic and you could argue is at the core of a lot of stigma around or perceived problem with open relationships. I was definitely the less eager one to actively pursue being open, not because I didn't want it but because my partner was the one more interested in exploring their sexuality and engaging in more sexual encounters with others, and I had done plenty of that at the time. Basically, we're both quite sexually active, we have different levels of experience, and not all of our desires match up but we weren't going to expect the other to limit themselves just to satisfy our own insecurities or non-interests. This helps with the "I'm not enough" thoughts because their desire to explore isn't actually about you, it's about their wants/needs etc, and vice versa. 

It helps that we both don't think anyone can, or should try to, be everything to one person. I think it can be an unhealthy thing to strive to be - being someone's best friend, confidante, housemate, sole romantic partner, sole sexual partner and everything else that's expected of you by society is a lot to put on one person and equally have put on you, and this is something that came up early while we were talking about the topic in broad terms. 

Whether or not it's something you both want to explore is also something that needs to be discussed openly and honestly from the start, and is an important feeling to really examine. You have to be willing to be quite introspective and honest with yourself as well as your partner. Doing so let us fully step into it as something that we were happy to explore with each other.

Caroline: Were there any ground rules at the outset?

Steve: Rules can be a problematic way of looking at it, because then you have to hypothesize a consequence for rule breaking, and it can feel like you're already saying you're going to break them and putting a negative view on it. Rules can also make what's "not allowed" more enticing because it becomes forbidden fruit, so we went with "guidelines" and "boundaries" instead as they're more fluid and open to change than rules. From the broader conversation on the topic, we had kind of identified areas that were more or less important in setting boundaries. For us, defining it as non-monogamy at the beginning felt closer to what we were thinking of doing, and pretty strictly as sexual non-monogamy - polyamory and a fully open relationship felt further down the spectrum than we wanted to go or think about at that time. Again, it wasn't a rule so it's something we could come back to later to talk about if/when it comes up. 

What we decided on initially was:

Safe sex only - standard really, but we both take our Prep and use condoms as a baseline. It helps that we get free STI checkups regularly, so any anxiety about that can be addressed quickly and easily.

No falling in love - dramatic I know but really what it is was a promise to not pursue a romantic relationship, or the possibility of one with someone that either of us hooks up with.

Not with anyone you know  - and by that we meant people that we already have a non-sexual relationship with (i.e. no coworkers or friends or people who are already actively involved in each other's lives, but old hookups, friends with benefits and other people with whom the boundaries are clearly drawn are cool). Similar to "not falling in love", this was not pursuing something where there's a pre-existing relationship that could become muddied or have an effect on the other person.

You can ask as many and whatever questions you want but you have to be okay with hearing the answer, or the person choosing not to answer or share - we didn't want to go full "Don't ask, don't tell" (which lots of couples do and is a perfectly valid option) because we wanted it to be something we did together and felt at ease talking about, while also respecting boundaries.

Caroline: Were there some rules or boundaries you could only set once you had already begun and learned what you were and were not okay with?

Steve: Definitely. Some came down to simple things like communication (i.e. staying in touch while with someone else) and timekeeping (being home when you say you'll be home) that are common to relationships outside of sex too but can go under the magnifying glass and create insecurity when you're open. Being honest with the third party about the status of the relationship was something that evolved too - not everyone has the same understanding of "open" so we discovered we needed to make it clear early on with new/existing hookups that we're happy as a duo romantically, we're not looking to be in a throuple, we're both happy with the other exploring things and having fun, and that neither of us is looking to find someone to leave the other for. In short, being explicit with others that we're here to have fun and make friends but that's as far as it's going to go. 

Drug use was the other thing that came up and isn't explicitly part of being open but comes with the territory in gay sexual spaces and activity. Chems and parties were something that had to be discussed, and responsible behaviour when we're around them as well. It's a separate topic but they crossover frequently so boundaries on what we would/wouldn't do had to be figured out.

Caroline: What happens if you or your partner decide you’re no longer comfortable with it?

Steve: If either of us becomes uncomfortable with something, we've both agreed that it stops and it's off the table, no questions asked, no excuses given, and we both have to be cool with that. It was one of the agreements at the start also. That doesn't mean it can't start again or that it's never to be spoken about again, but we have to both be equally okay with it for it to work. We check in about it as a whole regularly as well, and in moments when we're thinking about or planning a hookup. It's good to know you can say "actually I'd rather you didn't tonight" and the other person won't, and won't hold it against you (but if you always saying that to them, they might start and it's probably worth checking in or having the bigger conversation again). The level of respect you have for each other and the relationship itself is key.

Caroline: What do people get wrong about open relationships?

Steve: I think a lot of people just think it's simply cheating because "how could you love your partner and share something so intimate with someone else?" and I understand that but I think that's a false dilemma and it comes back to honesty and communication. If everyone is being honest about how they feel, what they want to explore and what their own boundaries are, then there's no betrayal, no insecurity and hopefully no hurt feelings. And if there are, you need to feel you can talk about them.

I also think they assume that either one person wants it and the other doesn't (and therefore it's "put up with" cheating), or that if they both want it, they must not actually love each other fully. You can have a healthy, loving relationship and also be sexually gratified with someone outside of that relationship, it doesn't have to be either/or.

Another thing that people might assume is that the sex is bad, or that one of you isn't happy with it and that's why they want to open it up. That might be true for some people, and maybe it's a case of desires not aligning or certain kinks being a firm no for the other, but not always (our sex is still top tier for both of us).

People also think that it's a sign of a failed relationship because one or both of you "strayed" which is just an external judgement that says more about the person saying it that anyone else. I don't think open relationships are for everyone, it's really down to each individual how they feel, and that's totally fine! If it's not for someone, that's cool, it's not a judgement on them or their relationship, but equally there's no need to judge people who are open. It works both ways. 

Caroline: Why do you think or do you think it’s more common in same sex relationships or male+male relationships?

Steve: I definitely think it's more openly accepted in gay male relationships than other queer or straight ones, not sure if it's more common. It might just be that the stigma around it is greater for others. 

Why it's more common? I'm not sure, but I would think it has a bit to do with repressed sexuality/experiencing homophobia as youths and not wanting to limit or apologise for that as mature gay people. I also think it can be a bit of a fuck you to heteronormative society and how it wants us to conform to it. But the biggest reason I think it's more common is because hookup culture is less judgemental and more openly discussed in the gay community, and experimenting is almost foundational to being queer in a largely homophobic heteronormative society, so there's less stigma around enjoying sex and it not being tied to one person.

Also, gay men are horny af. #notallmen 

Caroline: Lol. What are the benefits of an open relationship?

Steve: There are loads but the main one I think is that you can become a lot closer when you're able to be fully honest about your desires and needs without feeling like it's dependent on your partner sharing them. Also you're not putting it on the other person to either get on board with it or it's no and that's that forever. It's also quite freeing to know that your partner's sexual satisfaction isn't dependent on you and your involvement (wanking aside). And being that honest can bleed into other parts of your relationship too, and help you talk about other difficult things more easily. Practising honest and respectful communication will only make your relationship stronger. 

Caroline: What should people be mindful of before taking this leap?

Steve: I think it might be helpful to ask yourself and each other what it is about your relationship that you are specifically worried about harming. That you'll hurt each other? That you'll feel neglected? That you're inviting infidelity and on the path to breaking up? Whatever it is, write it down, and do a bit of introspective digging into what the cause of them is or might be, and talk about it. You'll either find a solution or make a decision about how you're going to act if/when these things crop up.

Be prepared to have big feelings and for them to pop up when you don't expect as well. Sometimes they come when something else is stressing you and making you feel insecure in general, and attaching that feeling of insecurity to being open is an easy thing to do. Also, you have to be dynamic enough to respond to how fluid both of your feelings about it might be, and also how fluid your guidelines are. But also try and have fun and don't make it such a weighty subject!

It really comes back to honest communication and respect. As long as you're being honest and respecting feelings and boundaries, and no one's getting hurt, you should be good. The more you talk about it, the less loaded it feels as a topic and you can come to see it as a hobby for one or both of you. Because that's what it is for us, something fun for us outside of our relationship that fulfills us without taking anything from what we have. It can be the same as someone going to watch the match with the lads or out for drinks with the girls. It can fulfill you, bring you two closer and also let you continue to explore life and grow as a person without feeling limited by your relationship.

If you’ve any follow up questions, I’ll put them to him! Comment below.