Why I'm doing this

Because I no longer feel safe on social media

That might sound dramatic but hear me out. From my postpartum journey - complete with haemorrhoid cream recommendations - to the anxiety I’ve grappled with over the years to the origin story of the colony of coldsores currently residing on my bottom lip, I have shared everything online. I am a sharer, an over-sharer. Always have been; it’s a coping mechanism for me. Where some people (smarter people) can work through things privately, I share my most vulnerable thoughts and experiences with the entire world in the hope that others will put their hands up and say ‘me TOO!’ I look for reassurance, I look for validation and too often, I look for approval. For the most part, that’s what’s garnered me the following I now have. It’s the reason my podcast has been so successful: my willingness to be vulnerable. But for all the hands raised as I’ve shared so openly, there’ve been a few virtual gut punches along the way that have stopped me in my tracks. Almost always, it’s to do with parenting. I’m ‘a pain in the hole’, I ‘need to get a grip’, or my personal favourite: ‘let’s hope she never has another child to inflict herself on’. Sometimes it’s a straight forward character assassination that was meant to be sent to a friend of the troll but instead found itself in my own inbox.

I’ve laughed off a lot of them, determined to keep sharing, but over time it has started to erode my sense of emotional security I suppose. I can rationalise that a few nasty comments do not reflect my self worth, nor do they reflect the opinions of those I value. But when our threat response is in the driving seat - and boy is it activated on receipt of a nasty message - you can’t rationalise shit. Your mind and body’s primary concern is to keep you out of harm’s way, even if the harm is merely somebody else’s words. From an evolutionary perspective (note: I will use this phrase a LOT because it explains literally everything), our brains are wired to troubleshoot when we sense that somebody does not like us. Why? Because that might have posed a threat to our position in our tribe back in hunter gatherer times. If we were on the outs, and nobody liked us, we’d be left to fend for ourselves in the wild, where I for one wouldn’t last half an hour before being swallowed whole by a sabre-toothed tiger. Fast forward, and though we no longer face this same physical threat today, our brain still reacts in much the same way. Even if the threat is merely perceived. People not liking us? As far as our brains are concerned, that puts our survival in question, and our survival is really all our brain wants to ensure at the end of the day.

The physical feelings and the spiralling thoughts that come as a result of a nasty message are not easily sidestepped. Recently, I’ve started feeling paranoid when I go into a restaurant or a cafe, thinking ‘what if someone who has written these really mean things about me is sitting right here?’ I even got to the point of wondering if my closest friends could have these same thoughts but never say it to my face. I started to question what the people who I value think of me, assuming that if one person thinks this, surely many more think the same. It’s not something I can stamp out (nor do I want to become so desensitised to nastiness when our bodies are reacting as it should) but I can take what I do want to say and share it in a safer environment: right here on Substack. I’ve never understood why someone would follow a person on social media when they think they’re such an apparent twat, but it happens all the time. My hope is that these people won’t make the leap over to these lengthier pieces on Substack. If they do, and they decide to become a paid subscriber to my juicier bits, I guess I’ll just have to take their money.

Another reason I wanted to start this publication is because I have always been an impulsive knee-jerk poster. I feel it, I think it, I say it, I share it. And that’s not always a good way to be. Often, I have said things I later wished I’d kept to myself, or shared things so personal I wish I’d protected myself a bit more. Especially when I first became a parent. I want to do less of that now, and share more thoughtful, considered takes on my experience (but that’s not to say I will be disappearing from social media).

And then there’s the fact that I am a journalist, columnist, former editor and bestselling author (and podcaster) and if those of our ilk don’t get the opportunity to write and write often, we break out in hives. Jokes aside, with the current media landscape, the reality is that writing gigs are few and far between. I’ve a lot to say, I have years of experience as a writer, having worked with some of the biggest publications not just in Ireland but internationally too (hello, Glamour US) and I’m going to do it here.

Here’s what you can expect: a mix of free to read pieces and lots of extra juicy or more personal pieces that will live behind a paywall. The kind of stuff I will no longer allow the trolls to feast upon. As much as I’d love to give it all away for free, this is my work and it has value (I say this as much for myself as for anyone else).

Much like the Sunday Independent LIFE Magazine column I had the pleasure of writing last year, I’ll be penning pieces about anxiety (that being the theme of my podcast and the subject I’m most passionate about normalising), confidence (I am the most confident insecure person I know), parenting my highly sensitive little boy, relationships (including one of the spicier conversations I’ve had with my husband), careers (what women supporting women really looks like - there shall be shade) and work (how to get your book published because I’ve done that, three times). You can probably expect a few posts about fictional teenage heartthrobs I’m far too old to fancy and other irreverent musings along the way.

I hope you’ll stick with me, join in, be kind, share with those who might benefit and if you’re enjoying the content, I hope you’ll consider becoming a paid subscriber as this publication will be entirely reader funded. Welcome!

x Caroline