Why we're happy to have 'just' one child

And why there's no 'just' about it

This Substack is a little over one year old. It's safe to say we're getting serious now. One of the most successful posts I've had to date was one I shared pretty soon after launching, and it was on a subject that, while not openly discussed, clearly resonates: whether or not to have another baby. This question plagued me for the longest time: what was wrong me? Why wasn’t I mad to have another? Why wasn’t I broody? Why did the fact that I found it so hard on my first put me off going again? Was I not supposed to just get on with it because that’s what mothers do? Was it cruel to deny my son a sibling? My husband and I have had more conversations about it than I can remember, mostly in an attempt to reassure ourselves that we're not failing if we realise we're done at one. A year later, I feel much more settled on our decision not to have another child. It's no longer a 'will we or won't we?' question. We are a triangle family, and though I always thought I'd have two (because that's what my parents did), we are now content to stay as such. So that's what I want to write about this week. I have to start with a couple of disclaimers, however: 

I am writing this from my personal perspective, which does not include having been through pregnancy loss or fertility struggles. I know countless people who would kill for one child let alone another child after that. I am not writing from that perspective. There are those who have one child and cannot have another for various reasons, be they biological or otherwise. There are others who thought they'd have more children but then, due to their experience with their first, feel they cannot roll the dice again, which in some ways can feel like the choice is taken away from you. There are those who only ever wanted one and are content with that, and those folks are probably not reading this post. There are many ways to approach the question of whether to try again or not. But of course, I can only come at this through the lens of my own experience. I know you know that already, but talking about babies can be heavy, triggering stuff for a lot of people - and rightly so - so I want to tread carefully at the outset. In that first post on the subject, I wrote about how I don't think I would be able to cope with another child at this point in our lives. It was coming from a place of struggle - and those struggles are still there, some improved, some not so much.

Here, I want to park the struggles and write about how truly special being a one-child family can be. It's to validate the woman whose parents keep at her to continue the family name or the person who sees their friends having second and third babies and constantly wonders if there is something wrong with them for not wanting the same thing. If you're heartbroken about not being able to continue growing your family, I hope this post will reassure you that there is still plenty of beauty with just one. In fact, there's no 'just' about it. Equally, this post is not to shit all over two or three or more-kid families. If that works for you - brilliant. So, with all sensitivities and perspectives in mind, I shall write freely now.